Week 43 -Monday 6AM
I open my eyes. I want to jump up and run downstairs to weigh myself. I want to validate that I am doing something right. I will not go downstairs, I will stay in bed. If the number on the scale is higher than I expect it to be, I could be disappointed and mope around the rest of the day trying to decide if my new lifestyle is working for me. If the number is less than what I expect, I could go all vain and ignore the other good changes in my life. If the number is exactly what I think it will be, I will be validated…
Oh, that’s right, I’m not supposed to be using the number on the scale to tell me if I am worthy. After working on this concept for 43 weeks, the same time frame as a pregnancy, you would think I wouldn’t have to re-remember this every morning. Its not the digital blue number that is the problem, it’s the way I interpret it. I infuse it with meaning about respect and pride and love and worthiness. The scale doesn’t just tell me how much I weigh, it tells who I am, it predicts who I could be, it shows me my failures and celebrates my victories. Shouldn’t I want to know the reality of my weight? Its 6 am and already I’m overthinking. I feel like this is part of my DNA or something.
The above was an excerpt from my journal over a year ago. I usually go to my journal only when I want to get ideas for articles, but sometimes I see an entry that defined me and I wonder how I even made it through that time.
I am in a completely different mindset now. I haven’t thought about my weight in months. I haven’t binged in two years. My life seems almost boring compared to the times when I actively struggled with food and my body. I am what I always dreamed of being, a normal eater. And, like many things we aspire to, its not as glamorous as it seemed. But I am happy and content, which is something I never thought I would say.
Sometimes I wonder if I am too confident, if something will happen that will break me down and send me running back to food. But my life is not perfect, in fact sometimes it downright stinks, and I haven’t used food to soothe my soul yet. I don’t even want to. Now that I can eat anything I want anytime I want, eating doesn’t hold the mystique for me it used to. It’s a normal function of everyday life. Ho hum.
When I first realized that chocolate cake didn’t really turn me on anymore, it was a letdown. But I have learned to do many other things to bring fun and enjoyment to my life. One of those things is to accept and love myself, not in an arrogant way, but in a…well, a normal way.
If you struggle with food or depression or anxiety or self pity, or any other thing that you want to change in your life, just know that you can change to create a new normal. But first you must accept yourself the way you are at this very moment. Instead of trying to change what you don’t like about yourself, like everything about yourself and change those things that don’t fit in with the person you want to be.
“Instead of trying to change what you don’t like about yourself, like everything about yourself and change those things that don’t fit in with the person you want to be.” MD