The picture wasn’t valuable, it was just a copy of a painting, but it was my favorite. It depicted a beach house -not the whole thing, just a partial exterior wall showing two windows and a door. I loved the colors and shadows. I felt at peace when looking at it; almost as if I could reach out, open the door and walk into a calm place.
As I took it off the wall to wrap it up, this one last look made me feel a respite from the drudgery of moving a household. But something seemed different about the picture now, something in the window I hadn’t seen before. There, almost as big as the window itself was an angel painted in profile.
I couldn’t believe my eyes! How long had I owned this picture, admiring it everyday when I walked into my bedroom -four years or more? And I never noticed the angel. In fact, if I had spotted it before, this art wouldn’t be hanging in my home. When I purchased it, I was an atheist. Angels or anything resembling Christian or religious heritage had no place in my house.
But recently, I had recovered my lost faith. Was this a divine event or a message from God letting me know that the angel was watching over me even while I was an unbeliever? I wanted to believe this…and in some form, it may have been true. But in reality, I knew that my perception of the painting was skewed because of my beliefs. In my atheistic mindset, I didn’t perceive the angel. I liked the painting and wanted it in my house. Not seeing the angel allowed me to take it home and admire it without compromising the beliefs I held at that time.
We perceive the world based on our mindset and beliefs. When I was in the throes of an eating disorder, I perceived my body as being bigger than it really was. In the mirror, I saw a much larger me than reality. If someone pointed out that my perception was inaccurate, I was convinced they were the ones with the skewed perspective, not me!
My perception of myself was not based on truth, it was based on a feeling. And that feeling came from a deep-seated belief that I was not good enough the way I was. It manifested itself in the thought that I had to be thin to be a good person, to be acceptable to society. I chose to see my chubbiness as a critical defect in my being.
Of course, all these beliefs came from somewhere, some traumatic experience in my childhood or being teased and mistreated because of my weight. But to me, it doesn’t matter as much how I got them, what matters more is how I changed them.
When I began this binge free journey, my expectation was that I would stop bingeing and overeating which would result in weight loss. But the further I got into this journey, the more I began to appreciate my body for what it is. Not struggling with food has given me a new awareness of what it means to be healthy. I don’t have to be “thin” to be healthy or good looking. Health and beauty come in every shape and size.
One way I came to terms with my body was to make a list of all the awesome things it can do -like walking, showering, laughing, stretching, even breathing. All these things may seem mundane, but without a functional body we couldn’t do any of them. I also found the things below helpful in getting me to appreciate the body I have.
-While looking in the mirror, I say positive things about my body, looking at every part with kindness, not disdain. I smile while doing this. I didn’t feel it at first but after a few times, I felt happier in general.
-I take pictures of myself having fun with others. If someone else takes a picture of me on their phone, I ask them to send it to me. I look at those pictures with kindness and appreciate that I am having fun. I don’t criticize my body or tell myself that I need to change anything.
-I don’t make jokes about my size or belittle myself in any way. If I find myself doing this, I don’t chastise, I just stop the negative talk and go on.
No matter your size, you are a valuable person. Thin, fat, tall, short, whatever, it doesn’t matter. If we base our value on our body size, we are missing out on the best part of life. Take a chance. Be honest. See the value you hold that isn’t related to your size or what you look like. When you are open to it, you will perceive it.
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